The Soundtrack to the Search

My mom’s Alexa has been playing the song “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan on repeat for the past month. I joked that it was playing every hour on the hour, and honestly, it’s not too far from the truth. Tonight, when it played for what felt like the tenth time, my mom swore it was the first time she'd heard it all night. I made a quip about it being my theme song, and in a quiet moment, I decided to look up what it was actually about.

The song is a queer anthem, a celebration of finding a place where you can be a weirdo and feel completely safe doing so. It’s about leaving a small, suffocating town for a place where you can finally be yourself, where you find a community that loves and accepts you for who you truly are.

And it hit me. This song has been a constant, gentle reminder of my own journey. I've been so exhausted, so sad, and so frustrated by the process of trying to find my place. I was a middle who had to wear a dominant's crown because no one else was providing the containment I so desperately needed. I've been struggling to make sense of a world that wants me to be consistently “on” when I'm in a constant state of neurodivergent burnout.

I've been searching for my own Pink Pony Club, my own safe space. My frustration isn't with the people who failed to contain me; it's with the fact that I've had to navigate this confusing world all on my own.

This song is not just a catchy tune. It’s a validation of my entire process. It’s a promise that the search is worth it, that there is a place where a middle like me can feel seen, contained, and celebrated. It's a reminder that my specific needs and my unique wiring are not a burden, but a key to finding a community and a partner who are on the same frequency.

The universe knew I needed this song. It's a soundtrack for the long and difficult journey, a quiet anthem of hope that plays on repeat until I finally find my own home.